My Soldier Too Page 18
A large hand of doom reached into Madison’s chest and tried to squeeze the life out of her. No air could get in or out of her lungs. The blood that pumped to and from her heart was stopped cold by that vicious hand. She hated herself for allowing feelings for another person to rip her to shreds again. The pain of loss was too much to bear. She wrestled back her body’s desire to cry a thousand tears that had been locked away for so long. This wasn’t the time to fall apart. “Don’t psychoanalyze me. You don’t know how I feel. I thought you did, but you don’t. I said I would come back. I promise I will.”
Isabella yanked the day’s newspaper out of her briefcase and held it in front of Madison. The headline screamed: Five US Soldiers Killed in Afghani Ambush. Through tears she said, “You can’t promise me you’ll come home. No one who goes there can make that promise.” She choked back her tears. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I want my old life back. I miss my family. Maybe it’s meant to be this way. I didn’t know love before you, but at least I knew where I stood in the world. Go fight your stupid war while I try to get my family back.”
Madison looked at Isabella as though seeing a person she didn’t recognize. “You don’t mean any of that. You love me. I know you do.” She put her arms around Isabella. “You do still love me, don’t you?”
Tears streamed down Isabella’s face. “I do love you. But I wish I didn’t.”
Madison whispered, “I trusted you.” She turned and fled out the door. The price for letting Isabella into her heart had come due. She’d be paying the debt for the rest of her life. She resolved then and there to lock her heart so far away that she’d never have to feel anything ever again.
She staggered down the hospital corridor, slowly at first but more quickly with each successive footfall, until she was running. She had to get out of her uniform. The sensation of it touching her skin burned like acid. Being in uniform had always given her a sense of purpose and clarity about who she was. Now, it was a straightjacket, constraining her and keeping her from having all that she wanted in the world. Never losing stride, she unbuttoned her uniform blouse. The T-shirt she wore underneath was already soaked in perspiration. Just before she exited the building, she took off her blouse and threw it in a corner of the hallway.
She bumped into a man out on the sidewalk in front of the hospital. “Are you all right?” he asked.
She hated him for asking. How dare he ask her? He had no right to even speak to her under the circumstances. How could he, in his safe world, ever know the pain of a soldier going to war? He probably went to church every Sunday and prayed that the Defense of Marriage Act be treated like the eleventh commandment. Never mind that Madison loved a woman and that she risked her life time and again for the sake of him and his family. She ignored him and purposely let her shoulder slam into his, knocking him to the ground. She ran faster and faster. Where to? She didn’t know for sure, nor did she care. She raced on until her legs cramped and her lungs ached. When she finally collapsed somewhere miles away, she caved onto a park bench and sobbed in anguish.
Chapter 23
Madison gazed out at the Atlantic Ocean and tried to sear the awesome sight of it into her memory. Morning had dawned to an ominous, fiery, orange-red sky over the horizon. As she walked along the beach with Bobbie, the waves that lapped at their bare feet were building. Madison put her hands into the pockets of her shorts and thought about how sailors predicted a coming storm. Red sky at night, sailor’s delight; red sky at morning, sailors take warning. The remnants of an early hurricane were bearing down on New England. She hoped her flight would make it out of Boston before the storm got too bad for the plane to get off the ground. Never had Madison seen such a crimson sky. It seemed fitting. She couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that rested on her like thick clouds.
Bobbie broke the silence. “Are you sure you really want to leave a whole week early?”
Madison looked down at the cool, wet sand and nodded. “Yes, why delay the inevitable? I want to get it over with so I can come home. Besides, now that I’ve volunteered to go early to help organize supplies for our deployment, I can’t get out of it.” She breathed the sweet scent of the ocean air deep into her lungs. “I’m going to miss this place.” She struggled to speak the next words. “And you and Jerome.” No point mentioning Isabella. Better to forget her, Madison reminded herself. Forgetting Isabella was like trying to roll a ten-ton boulder uphill. Still, Madison clung to her delusion of trying to pretend her heart wasn’t shattered.
Bobbie put an arm around her as they walked. “I just want you to know I think you’re doing the right thing. I’m proud of you for honoring your commitment.” She squeezed Madison’s shoulder. “I do wish you’d reconsider your decision not to say good-bye to Isabella. She still loves you, Madison.”
Deep down, Madison worried that if she didn’t see Isabella before she left, she might never see her again. More than anything in the world she wanted to see Isabella one last time. What Madison wanted and what she would do, however, were two entirely different things. She took her time in responding. “Isabella doesn’t want to see me. I’m not going to make this any more difficult for either of us by forcing her to do what she doesn’t want to do. She wants to forget about us and go back to the way her life was before she met me. Besides, if I did see her, I might change my mind about going, and you know I can’t do that.”
Bobbie pulled her to a stop. Madison turned to face her. “I know you and Isabella still love each other. Both of you need to get past this before you leave. Otherwise, you might end up regretting the decisions you’ve made.”
Madison wiped away a tear. She hated crying, and she’d done more than enough of it in the past four days. The once impenetrable protective wall around her heart was being rebuilt brick by brick. She would not let it be taken down again. No more tears. “No, I’m not going to give Isabella or anyone else the chance to hurt me. I can’t. I’m not going to go through this ever again. It’s over between us.”
A flock of cackling seagulls swooped down on the beach ahead of them. Bobbie laughed at their antics. “Most birds have already headed for some kind of shelter before the storm comes. Not the gulls. These birds are tough as nails.” She kicked at a piece of driftwood. “You’re a lot like them. You’re stronger and more resilient than most, yet you’re completely vulnerable when it comes to matters of the heart. If you have an Achilles heel, Madison, that’s it.”
“Which is why I intend to tuck my heart away for the rest of my life,” Madison said.
Bobbie pulled Madison into a tight embrace. “Jerome and I are going to miss you so much. Please be safe. You come home to us soon.” She kissed Madison’s cheek. “I love you, and I promise you this, you’re never alone. You’ve always got Jerome and me.”
“Thank you, Bobbie. I love you both. You’re the only family I’ve got.” Madison wanted to promise she would come home, but an unfamiliar foreboding, deep in the pit of her stomach wouldn’t let her. Regardless of her worries, the reality was that, as war jobs went, hers was comparatively safe. Still, something felt different about going this time. Probably being fool enough to fall in love, only to have it end before it really began, was what was making her upcoming deployment seem so ominous.
“You sure you won’t reconsider your decision not to see Isabella before you go? You’ve still got time to put things back on track.” Bobbie hastened a step ahead and stood directly in front of Madison. “Listen to me. You told me this was Isabella’s first real love. So much happened to her so fast that she can’t be thinking rationally about you or her feelings for you. She’s afraid, and so are you. Don’t shut Isabella out of your heart. You might regret it for the rest of your life.”
Again, those damn tears that Madison hated so much threatened to break from their constraints. “As long as I don’t let myself love her or anyone else, no one can hurt me. That’s how I want things from now on.”
“Okay, I guess you’re entitled to make that choice,
but you’ll end up alone and never know the joys of having someone to share your life with. Everyone could see how happy Isabella made you. When you think about that, can you really say you regret loving her?”
Yes, she’d known pure happiness with Isabella, but it came with a devastating pain when she told her she wished she didn’t love her anymore. “She made me happier than I’d ever been, but she broke my heart. I don’t know whether or not I regret loving her. Maybe I do. I’m not sure it was worth going through what I’m feeling now.” Madison cuffed Bobbie lightly. “Bobbie, I know you’re trying to do what you think is best for me, but I mean it. Don’t try to make me change my mind about seeing her.” Madison checked her watch. “We better head back. My flight leaves in a few hours.”
“Okay.” They turned and walked back in the direction they’d come from. Bobbie paused. “I couldn’t help but notice you’re still wearing the watch she gave you. Maybe you need to think about what that means.”
“It doesn’t mean anything at all.”
“If you really intended to let her go, you’d have put that watch in the darkest part of a drawer somewhere so you’d never see it again.”
Madison put her hand on the watch. “Okay, I admit it. I do still love her. That doesn’t matter, though. My only choice is to let her go. She was clear about that. I have to move on.” Madison picked up the pace at which she was walking. “I’m going to start by finishing my commitment to the Army. Maybe when I get back, I’ll take Jerome up on his offer to help me remodel my kitchen. I’ll be ready for a new start.”
“He’d be thrilled.” Bobbie smiled at Madison. “You could use it to woo Isabella back by making her dinner again.”
Madison laughed ruefully. “I hardly think my cooking would do the trick. You’re always plotting and scheming, aren’t you?”
“When it comes to love, I guess I am.”
“Speaking of my house, I really appreciate you and Jerome looking after it while I’m gone.”
“We’re happy to do it. Don’t worry about it for a minute. We’ll even make sure your garden is just like you’d keep it.” They walked on without speaking for a few moments. “Promise you’ll call or send an e-mail as soon as you can so we know you got there okay.”
“Of course I will, but it’ll probably be tough for you to get hold of me if we miss each other. I’ve heard our unit will be on the move quite a bit, and we’ll be in places where there’s not much communication to the outside world. I’ve been assigned to a forward surgical team—that’s FST in Army talk. Our FST will move directly behind the troops on the front line. We have to keep up with them, so I expect that means we’ll be in some rugged places.”
“That sounds different from what you told me you did in Iraq.”
“It is. In Iraq, I was assigned to a semi-permanent location. For this deployment, twenty of us will have all the gear we need for a mobile hospital. We’ll go wherever the troops go. Our job will be to stabilize seriously wounded soldiers so they can be evacuated to the next level of care at the combat support hospital in Bagram Air Field north of Kabul or to Germany or back to the States, depending on the nature of the injuries.”
“Sounds dangerous. Please be careful, Madison.”
“I will. Don’t worry if you don’t hear from me in a while. If the fighting is heavy, I won’t have much free time for sending messages.” Madison gripped Bobbie into a tight bear hug. “I love you. Thanks again for taking care of my house for me.” She hugged her once more. “Thanks for everything… especially for being such a good friend.”
* * *
Isabella stood with a group of David Cutter’s friends on a quiet section of beach on Boston’s south shore. The cherrywood box she held in her hands contained the General’s ashes. She looked at the flame-red sky and thought it was a fitting setting for this final farewell. Her brother John, wearing his priest collar and tunic, gave a short eulogy based on notes Isabella had given him and then said the Lord’s Prayer. When he was finished, he motioned toward Isabella. She lifted the lid on the box. The General’s friends and his son, Rich, gathered around to help scatter his ashes out to sea.
Isabella handed the box to Rich and stepped back from the group. One of the men who’d come to pay his last respects was a homeless veteran known as King William. Isabella hadn’t seen him for months and feared the harsh winter might have claimed yet another nameless victim. Like so many of the veterans without family or support, King William drifted where the winds took him—wherever the hope of a better circumstance might beckon.
Seeing King William at the General’s send-off brought a smile to her face. He was a handsome, burly man, and he believed he was a direct descendant of William the Fifth, France’s Duke of Aquitaine. He was an affable fellow, seemingly well liked by his homeless friends and even by the Bostonians who felt obliged to fill his plastic cup with change every morning as King William serenaded them with cheerful selections.
William would claim a street corner as his stage and sing his happy songs to the city. After each song, he’d offer a hearty, genuine laugh that came from somewhere deep inside his soul. Isabella admired him for his spirit, which remained untouched by darkness despite the obvious difficulties of his life. She had once asked King William how he could remain so cheerful. He told her he walked the streets of Boston joyously oblivious to badness.
Isabella reclaimed the wooden box from David’s son and tossed the final handful of ashes out to sea just as King William started to sing a melancholy version of Billie Holiday’s “I’ll Be Seeing You.” The sound of the crashing waves juxtaposed with his melodious voice. His rich baritone reverberated low and slow, a thick cloud hovering right above the earth long enough for the General’s soul to climb upon. King William’s pitch rose, and the notes came higher and faster.
Isabella could almost see the General far above them, rising ever upward on that cloud until he was finally free from all his worldly woes. King William hit the final, pure note. Maybe it was only the tears in her eyes, but she’d have sworn she saw the General salute as the cloud moved out of sight. She looked around at the General’s friends. Men not given easily to crying wept openly as they offered their farewells to that special man.
Many of the men ambled off in various directions. Others stood in groups of two or three, talking.
John put his arm around Isabella. “It hurts me to see you so sad. Your grief is written all over your face.”
Isabella pressed her forehead into her brother’s shoulder and wept. “There’ll never be another person like him. I’m so sad he’s gone. I loved him. I never knew losing someone would hurt this much.”
“I know.” He spoke in the voice Isabella had heard him use when he prayed in public. “People are brought into our lives for a reason. I think you know I’m not talking about your friend the General now.” He pulled his arm from around Isabella’s shoulders. “I suspect your sadness is compounded by your feelings for that woman you’re not supposed to have feelings for. You did the right thing to let her go, and now your faith is being tested. You have to remain steadfast in your conviction to live as God requires. We can pray together if you’d like. We can ask God to help you expunge your inappropriate thoughts about her.”
Isabella flinched when John said “her.” Maria was the only one in Isabella’s family who would utter Madison’s name. It was their way of relegating Madison to a status of less than a real person.
“John, I thought you came here to bless the General’s life. Why are we talking about that? If you really want me to let her go, please stop bringing her up, okay? And by the way, if you feel you must speak about her, she has a name. It’s Madison.”
“I’m sorry. You’re right. I only want you to know that sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest. I’m trying to support you in this difficult time. I can see that you cared deeply about her, but what you and she were doing isn’t right in God’s eyes. Perhaps it would help if you came to confession this afternoon.”
King William approached them. She gave him a hug and kissed his cheek. “Thank you for your singing. It was beautiful.” She nodded toward John. “King William, this is my brother John. John, King William, the best singer on the streets of Boston.”
King William looked John over from head to toe. “Your sister is an angel who walks among us. She is one of the few who truly does God’s work. As smart as she is, she could have done anything, but she chooses a life of service to the poorest of the poor. Her heaven is the one I aspire to.” He winked at Isabella and strolled away, whistling the Battle Hymn of the Republic.
John stared at his retreating form. “There’s only one heaven and one path to it. God doesn’t make exceptions, even for the most generous of heart.”
Isabella emotionally recoiled from the man her brother had become. His brand of religion provided little comfort. Who was he to chastise her for loving Madison because it wasn’t the right kind of love? At long last, real love had finally come into Isabella’s life, but now everyone was trying to extinguish it because it didn’t meet some arbitrary set of rules. Maybe Madison had the right idea—build a fortress around her heart so that no feeling could get in or out. Letting in one thought of Madison was a mistake. Hundreds of other memories threatened to overwhelm her. Before she could get lost in them, someone tapped her shoulder. She spun around.